Musings on gratitude and loss of control

As we enter this holiday season, I get to reflect on how blessed I am to have such an incredible group of friends and family ... and the tentacles that extend from that to create a network (all of you!). I can imagine creating a visual relationship map and how cool it would be. I don't know many of you. Some of you I've met once, maybe even randomly at a restaurant and you saw the story on Facebook. Many of you know my parents or my brother and sister-in-law or my close friends. And here you are, checking in to see our progress and being generous with a contribution. I'm so incredibly grateful for this generosity and this web of incredible people in which I've suddenly found myself. 

You likely wonder what you've donated to ... and whether your contribution will go to some valuable. The short answer is that there is a lot of uncertainty ahead, and we don't quite know the medical expenses that lay ahead. Sure there will be medications and equipment that we need. I'll need to adapt my car to be able to drive with hand controls. There will be adaptations that make my home more livable (yes...Lutron lighting systems are Alexa and iPhone controlled so I can turn lights on and off with ease!...technologic innovation certainly improves accessibility!). This also means that I need to be a good steward of your generosity. .... which comes to some comments on control.

If you knew me before the accident, you likely know that I have have strong feelings about right and wrong and strong ideas about controlling outcomes when I have the capabilities to do so. I've gotten better in recent years and learned to focus on those things that I can actually control. Well, this new stage of my life really means that I have to double down on this idea -- only try to control the things that I can control. Yeah, that's hard for me. But I have only so much energy, and to expend it on things I can't control (like bathroom remodel timeline!) is a waste. BUT I do like fighting for what I believe is right and fair, whether for myself or for others. So I decided to marry good stewardship of your generosity with my desire to control and fight for what's right ... like what insurance covers for me equipment needs! I believe that insurance should make an investment in my future -- set me up with the best possible equipment now so that my shoulder's stay strong and their integrity intact for as long as possible. So, when they denied things like an ultra-lightweight wheelchair and a commode chair, I was shocked that they'd be so short-sighted. If insurance didn't cover, we'd need to use this fund to help -- and I'd obviously rather insurance step up. So, I did what I do. I appealed, wrote personal (and clinically logical) letters, engaged my clinical team for help, told my former employer about my challenging customer experience with the insurance provider, asked my friends (you know who you are!) who had contacts and were similarly outraged for help, and then did it again. And again. And we "won." Which is pretty awesome. So, I want you to know that I'm using my total loss of control over some aspects of my life and channeling it toward some things that I think I can try to control (or influence). And as a result, I'm attempting to be a good steward of your incredible generosity! Small victories feel pretty good these days!